ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
