Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
