I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This house was built for laser tag.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
