Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
