I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize