Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
