I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Text me some of your sweat
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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