1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
