booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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