I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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