I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
