I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize