I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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