The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
