I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We don't watch enough power rangers
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
