Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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