so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
