i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
