I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
