Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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