matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
