I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
