We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
