I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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