I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
