My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
