sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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