What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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