when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
