My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
