You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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