saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
