I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
