The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize