He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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