I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
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