Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
