remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
home. puking in laundry basket.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize