no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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