Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We had sex on a dog bed..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
