two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
