You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
whose parrot is this?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
