In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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