New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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