Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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