I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
