Can i not drive my cunt home
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
