I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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