i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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