If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
