he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
