I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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