i will never coherently bang her
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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