it wasn't lemon gatorade
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
