Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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