Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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