I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
